Circles

Words will never be able to bear the weight of what I wanted to say. My thoughts were too heavy and any words I wrote crumbled beneath them, not able to successfully carry what I wanted to communicate. I decided the simplest solution was to stop trying. 

I clicked my pen shut and put my diary in its safe place behind the stack of novels on my nightstand shelf. I finally had a stretch of weeks with no plans, a luxury I had not had since starting college three years ago, but all that meant was I was forced to slow down enough to stop ignoring my emotions. Finally, I got up and left my bedroom to go downstairs for a lunch. 

My dad was in the kitchen, leaning against the white countertops and holding his usual lunchtime mug of coffee. Saturday's felt thicker and slower than the maple syrup I had put on toaster waffles that morning. My dad seemed to feel the same sensation, like walking through a pool of ankle-deep water. Not a barrier strong enough to stop you from walking, but enough to make you feel extra tired and slow you down when wading through it. As much as I can tell he doesn't like spending his weekdays in the office, it's good for him. He needs something to keep him from thinking and feeling just as much as I do.

He didn't look up to acknowledge me when I came into the kitchen. I opened the fridge hoping to find something to satisfy the hunger I didn't feel and ended up just grabbing a soda. I and my dad were just as emotionally healthy as the lunch I didn't eat.

"It's kind of weird that this is the last summer of my life, but it's been the most uneventful," I said not expecting my dad to listen. I just wanted to fill the space. He took a sip of his coffee. 

"I should've taken that internship. I just figured since next year I'll have to get a job and start my life as soon as I graduate that I should take this summer to relax." He said nothing. I joined my dad in his zoned-out state while drinking my diet coke. 

"Maybe I'll go to the store," I said after a while. I put on shoes and grabbed my keys off the hook. Trying my best to ignore the small but responsible side of myself telling me that I should really eat, I walked out of the townhouse I wish I could still call home and got in my car. 

Home is nowhere now. I'm only here for the summer but a college dorm doesn't count as a home. No one is home to me, all my friends have changed and are too busy. My dad is present but quiet, and Faye is...

No. 

Too much hurt.

At the grocery store, I wandered for a while, knowing I should get food but not wanting to spend any money. Finally, I settled for some trail mix and left the store after paying. At random, I decided to wander through the pet store-a free zoo for cute little rodents and reptiles-to kill more time. 
I wandered through the aisles, trying to see the hamsters sleeping in their little plastic houses and wishing chameleons weren't so expensive. I walked through the fish last, admiring the colorful bettas in their sad little cups. 

A strange impulse came over me and I picked one up. It was yellow and had long white fins. It reminded me of the sun. It reminded me of Faye. 

"No," I thought. There was no thinking of Faye or wondering why she decided to leave me and Dad and move so far away. Wondering why she never calls.

No. 

I grabbed the cheapest bowl they had and the smallest and least fake-looking plant they had. I paid, my mind blank, and drove home. I filled the bowl with water and put my fish in. 

I sat it on my bookshelf and watched him swim in circles.